The Commander is Having a Moment
by Of Questionable Veracity
Summary: Following another succesful mission Tali is looking for Shepard just to have a chat, and finds him a little run down.


**Meh, I wouldn't take it too seriously if I were you. Just navel-gazing.**

**The main idea being that, as a VIDEOGAME PROTAGONIST, Shepard does seem to personally chew through an awful lot of the opposition. I mean the Commander showing up is like throwing a combine harvester at the enemy. And that has to take a toll on them, surely? After a certain point wouldn't you start to feel a little uncomfortable with yourself?**

**Maybe not. But I did this. So whatever.**

Tali was looking for Shepard but not having a whole lot of luck in finding him.

You would think tracking down someone on a reasonably small spaceship should have been easy. You would be right. She was still not having a whole lot of luck. He just didn't seem to be in any of the places he normally was.

She'd just tried his cabin for the second time - imagining she might have caught him in the shower or something the first time - and was taking the lift back down again when a sudden voice made her jump.

"Tali? Are you looking for the Commander?"

That would be EDI. Being trapped in a moving box and talking to an AI was not Tali's idea of a good time, but she wasn't going to let that show. Straightening herself out she said:

"I am, yes."

"Commander Shepard is presently in the port observation lounge," EDI said.

Not one of his usual spots, at least not in Tali's experience. She hadn't even thought of looking in there yet. Eyebrows were raised.

"Oh," she said, adding after a moment: "Thank you."

Felt odd thanking a machine but then a lot of things had been odd lately. Galaxy was an odd place. Shepard at least trusted the thing, which counted for a lot in Tali's estimation. Best not to dwell on it, she felt, especially now that she knew where Shepard was. She rode the lift down and headed to the port observation lounge.

There, indeed, was Shepard. He was sitting on the sofa that faced the window, one arm draped across the back while he held a glass in his other hand. On hearing the door opening he turned and on seeing that it was Tali he visibly relaxed and turned back towards the window, raising the glass in greeting.

"Hello Tali. Doing well?"

"Yes, Shepard," she said, stepping in, the door closing behind her. Just the two of them.

"Good good, glad to hear it. Have you met the new chap? Assassin. Very pleasant."

"I haven't," she said.

"Ah well, he'll be around. Sure you'll bump into him sooner or later."

Tali moved a little further into the room. From where she ended up, she could see that Shepard had shed half his armour - the top half - but stopped before getting to the bottom. The bits he'd removed were piled up about the base of the sofa. Why he might have just given up halfway through was unclear.

"Are you okay?" Tali asked.

The question seemed to surprise him and he frowned, confused, not having expected it.

"Me? Oh, I'm always alright, me. You know me! Solid as a rock. I'm just a touch, heh, tired and emotional would be the phrase. Just a touch."

This he said while raising his glass more obviously this time so that she could see it properly, swilling its contents about a bit and then lowering it again to take a sip.

"Drinking is not quite the same as it once was. I suppose I have my reconstructed biology to thank for that," he said.

"What are you drinking?" Tali asked, stepping in closer still so that she was now stood the same side of the sofa as he was. She didn't sit yet, though.

"No idea. Several things mixed together. Seems to be just about doing the trick! Just unwinding after another successful mission. You know Tali, I must admit that I find myself increasingly out of sorts when it comes to not being in combat. In combat? Fine. Out of it? A little slow," he said.

Tali didn't think she'd seen Shepard like this. He wasn't obviously sad or angry or anything really. If anything he was coming across as oddly cheerful. He just seemed rather far away.

"Slow?" She asked.

Shepard swigged and finished whatever it was that he had in his glass before setting it aside, waving a hand as he exposited thus:

"Being in combat is far superior to being out of it. In combat there's noise and things to concentrate on! There's Husks to decapitate. When it all stops everything gets very quiet and suddenly remembering all the things I'd rather not gets far too easy. You know. Virmire. Ashley. Horrible alien mind-control plant monsters. Plant zombies. Convincing someone to shoot themselves in the head. Dying in space. My staggeringly huge bodycount. Stuff like that."

"You could always talk about it? I - We are here for you, you know."

Shepard considered this. But not for very long. He shook his head.

"No. No it's fine. You guys don't have to worry about me. I can handle it. Solid as a rock."

She didn't say anything to this but she did not believe a word of it, either. Slowly, delicately, she sat down beside him and even more slowly and delicately put a hand on his back. She considered putting an arm around his shoulder completely, but felt that this perhaps might be going too far. This wasn't something she had a lot of experience with.

Shuffling up so she was right next to him she stared out of the window and into space as it whizzed on by. They continued to sit in silence for another minute or so before he turned to her.

"I killed thirty eight people today. Thirty eight. That's me personally. And that was all before dinner. Not including the combat mechs, obviously. Though fighting those is still...not a great time. I pulled the head off one of them with my bare hands," he said, staring at said hands in his lap. "Thirty eight…"

"Shepard, they were shooting at you…" Tali pointed out, gently.

And her, incidentally, but Shepard had been the one in front of most of the time and most of the guns had been pointed his way. Most guns typically were, she just happened to be nearby a lot of the time.

"Yeah I know, and I get that. All mercenaries. Bad dudes. I am sure they've done horrible things and I am sure that the galaxy will not suffer for their absence. Doesn't make them any less dead or me any less responsible for them being dead. Thirty eight though. Most people don't even have thirty eight friends. And that was just today! How long have I been doing this? Where would I be if I kept track? I'm a dangerous person to see arrive on your planet, space station or place of business let me tell you," Shepard said, grinning.

"It's not healthy to think like this," Tali said, graduating up to now rubbing his back in what she hoped was a soothing fashion. She could feel the implanted armour through his shirt, which wasn't especially pleasant, but she kept at it anyway. He didn't seem to be really listening at this point, however.

"And I know it's all for a good cause but it's a little depressing to see that the best way I have of solving problems is by killing people. I try to talk to them, I really do. Sometimes they listen. I like those times, actually. Mostly though they don't. And sometimes when they do they shoot themselves in the head! I once managed to talk a guy into shooting himself in the head! Have I ever told you that?"

He turned to look at her but his eyes appeared to be focused on a point some distance behind her.

"I was there, Shepard," she said.

Again, he gave no real indication of having actually heard her, just blinking slowly before casting his eyes back down at his hands, which were still in his lap.

"And then he got up again…" he said, quietly.

A pause.

"Mostly though I just seem to end up shooting people. Or blowing them up. Or beating them to death. Or setting them on fire by shooting them. Or throwing them out of windows…"

He trailed off. Tali was about to start actually, properly hugging him then, in a hopefully calming manner, when he sat bolt upright and started speaking again, making her flinch.

"I died. Did you know that?" He asked brightly, turned to look at her once more. Or through her, rather.

"...we're aware."

It might have come up once or twice. Maybe.

Shepard again twisted toward the window and regarded space. Space remained aloof and distant and empty. Space was very good at this. Shepard raised a hand and pointed to all the space outside the window.

"And not in the 'I was clinically dead for seven seconds' sort of a way - I was spaced. I was in _space_. In _that_. And the air ran out. And I died. I _died_. Two years of being dead. I mean, I got better, but still. Is it weird? That I died?" He asked.

"It's not something that's happened to everyone," Tali said, with as much tact as she could muster.

Shepard was now holding both his hands up to look at them, turning them over to look at both sides, frowning in consternation. Some scars were visible, but whether they were a result of him having died or the result of his years of service with the Alliance or his stint as a Spectre was unclear.

"I was a corpse. A bonafide dead body. And now I'm not. I know we're in the future and everything but that just doesn't seem right to me," he said.

"The future…?"

Tali was seriously considering going and getting some more moral support. For herself if nothing else. Garrus in here would do a world of good at that moment she was fairly sure, but the thought of leaving Shepard on his own didn't sit right with her.

He then moved to grab her free hand, the one not on his back, startling her, and this time for the first time Shepard actually seemed to be looking at her properly, eyes fixed on hers through her visor.

"Tali," he said. "Don't die in space. It's not fun. It's actually surprisingly painful."

"I - I'll do my best, Shepard."

She wasn't sure what else she could say to this. At the very least Shepard seemed satisfied with her answer, nodding and setting her hand back down and giving it a pat.

"Good, good. Thank you. I don't want you dying. I don't want anyone dying, really. I'd prefer it if we could all just get along. I think I'd rather like that. Don't think that'll happen though. Collectors now, Reapers later. Would be nice if we could go a year or two without having to shoot anyone. Oh well."

Tali genuinely had no idea what to say at this point. She cast an eye toward the door, hoping that someone might just walk through at that exact moment, but no-one did. This was not a situation she had much prepared for. It was rather like running downhill and just doing all she could not to trip and fall flat on her face.

Shepard seemed content to continue rambling through it himself though. Tali was getting the impression he did this sort of thing on his own a lot. That did not fill her with sunshine, this realisation.

"Mustn't grumble though. A lot of people are only a little good at a few things. I'm a lot good at at least one thing and that thing is affecting change through the use of obvious force. It's a talent and right now it's in demand so I might as well put it - and me - to good use, eh? Would just be making work for everyone else if I didn't, and I'm not going to do that."

"You're good at more than that," Tali said. Shepard shrugged.

"I know, I can also knit. Just not a lot of call for that these days, sadly."

He then blinked and looked at Tali properly again.

"Would you like a scarf? I could make you a scarf."

Tali's turn to blink.

"Do you want to make me a scarf?" She asked.

She had absolutely no idea whether he was actually being serious or not.

"I do!" Shepard said, beaming, nodding.

"Then yes, yes I do."

"Great! Thank you, Tali. That'll give me something to do during my downtime."

Shepard smiled, Tali smiled, everything seemed pretty good for a moment.

And then his smile dribbled away, as the topic at hand bubbled back up to the forefront of his brain, and he got that distant look away. Tali felt a lurch in her gut just from watching it happen.

"Still, sometimes I get to mediate. I do always enjoy that. Any fight everyone can walk away from without having lost anyone is a good one in my book. Maybe we'll find a nice solution to all our problems, eh? Chance be a fine thing. If not, well…"

He reached for his glass and made to drink again only to remember that he'd finished it. He put the glass back down again and rose to his feet. Tali, caught off-guard, did likewise.

"Not that it matters. Galaxy's got issues, I'm going to be one of those that help resolve them. It's going to happen. I'll make sure it does. I'll fix everything myself if I have to. Stop Collectors? Done, I'll do that. Save galaxy from Reapers? I'll do that too. With my bare hands if no-one else steps up. Reconcile Geth and the Qurians? Bam. I'll knock that one on the head. I'll have you back on Rannoch with a cracking view and I'll come visit and abuse your hospitality and sleep on your sofa, see if I don't Tali," he said with a wink.

Unbidden, Tali found herself entertaining the thought that - hypothetically - were Shepard to come visit her in such a scenario he most certainly wouldn't be having to sleep on the sofa. Not for the first time Tali was glad for the way her visor hid any hint of colour rising in her cheeks.

"Y-you shouldn't joke about that..." she said.

"I wasn't joking. I am going to do that. I am going to personally do that or die trying. It's on my list."

She believed him, too.

"Could you try and do it and stay alive?" She asked.

Shepard made a show of ummig and ahing over this request.

"No promises. I'll see what I can do. I'm just one man, Tali. Although..." He said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I have already died once and come back. How hard a habit can it be to form?"

"Can Ceberus afford to bring you back again?"

"Probably. Maybe? I'll ask the Illusive Man next time I see him. I'm sure it'll be fine."

Tali could see Shepard getting less distant with every passing moment, more of the Shepard she knew reasserting himself. He seemed to realise this, too, and he looked a bit sheepish about the whole affair.

"Uh, sorry for grousing like that. Was having a moment," he said.

"You can always talk to me, you know that, right? Anytime," she said.

"I - maybe, maybe. I'm fine, Tali, honestly. Just a little tired from the mission, I think. Should probably have a lie down. Thanks for listening to me ramble, though. Come here, you," he said and before Tali could really comprehend what that last part might mean she found herself being hugged.

Tali squeaked, arms pinned, and ineffectually patted Shepard on the back. Shepard, for his part, did his best not to snap poor Tali in half. The hug was awkward as a result, but heartfelt, and left both of them feeling much better.

"Having a second lease on life isn't all bad. Shepard: Cyborg Space Murderer! I should get business cards printed. Although people might think I murder space if they say that. I'll workshop it," he said, stooping to pick up the bits of armour he'd stripped off.

"No, I like it," Tali said, stifling a giggle.

Arms full, he gave her another wink.

"I think you're just trying to butter me up, Tali. But I like you, so I'll let you off."


End file.
